Growing up I was taught and told that I could be what ever I wanted to be by both my parents and society. I watched Oprah and other talk show hosts and programs that promoted young girls going out into the world and forging their own path. When I graduated HS and went off to college (well....went off as in I went to class and came home to my parents house). I decided after the first semester that I wanted to be a teacher. During HS I had aspirations of being a lawyer (I do like to argue), veterinarian (can't stand blood), a chef (I do like to eat), and a hotel restaurant manager (that was changed while I worked for Long John Silver's as a shift manager). After much thought I decided on teaching. I had some very influential teachers in my life like Mrs. Tucker, Mrs. Summers, Mr. Colly, Mrs. McGregor, and Mr. Andrews who really shaped who I was. I wanted to be influential like them. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to be remembered. I loved history and I thought about the days I would sit in Mrs. Tucker's class and we would talk...not necessarily about history but we would talk....about life....about what was happening in our young lives. That made a profound impact on my life and to this day I tell stories of being in Mrs. Tucker's class. I wanted to be like her. I wanted to make a difference like her. So I set off to be a teacher.
After graduation I really couldn't find a job (it was January after all) so I did temp work. Let me stop right now and say I found out very quickly answering someone else's phone really wasn't the thing for me. In June my Auntie Helen called and asked if I was interested in special education. I told her I was and she told me she thought she could help me get a job. I sent my resume and application one week, the next I interviewed and the following I had a job. It was a whirl wind. I quickly moved to Bentonville (with the help of my parents) and started in August.
For the next 7 years my life revolved around my work. I fit in meeting Geoff, dating, getting married, having two babies, and trying to forge a new life in Northwest Arkansas. I met friends, worked with some of the best and brightest teachers on the planet (All of you know who you are but especially the teachers at the Sophomore Campus and LaDonna, you ROCK!). I had more crazy times than I can tell and more wonderful memories formed than one girl deserves in a lifetime. The people I worked with became more than friends...they became part of the fabric of who I am. They shaped me in ways that today are are still not easily put into words.
However, in 2007 my world turned upside down. Madison, my precious little 6 month old baby, was diagnosed with PDA. PDA is a condition some infants have where they have a small hole in their heart that needs to be repaired. As we started going through testing and learning more about PDA I had major mommy guilt. My thoughts turned to I should have known, I should have seen the signs, if only I had been with her I could have known. Reality is I probably wouldn't have known something was wrong because Madison was a strong baby and showed no normal sign that she had a 3 millimeter hole in her heart. After getting the hole fixed in her heart in April of 2008, I continued to have mommy guilt. Going through surgery, having to hold down my precious little angel and knowing that a doctor had to go in and touch her little heart with instruments to fix it tore me up inside. It also reminded me that children are gifts from God and time is fleeting.
So....after much contemplation, crying, talking, crying, bawling, talking, crying (see a pattern...yes I cried...A LOT!) I decided to stay at home.....and over the last two years I have contemplated more than few times if I made the right decision. I love teaching. I think it is different than any other profession because I think a "normal" person can't just go be a teacher. Either someone is a teacher or they aren't and the kids know it. It is the one profession you can't fake. I love and have loved teaching with every fiber that is in me. So until today (1-26-10), every time I tell people who I am, I tell them I am a stay at home mom that is a teacher. I felt I needed to tell people that to justify who I am. I didn't find it enough to say say I am mommy to Emma and Madison. I didn't think enough of what I do for Geoff and the girls to just say I am the best stay at home mommy I can be for them....until today. Today I am at peace. Today I can for the first time say I am Geoff's wife (for the next 42 years...then we can renegotiate....love you big Grasshopper) and I am Emma and Madison's mommy....forever.
So....It is finished....I am done. I have made a decision. I am a stay at home mom. The path that is less followed these days will be the path I am going to choose. I didn't know I was going to make a decision to continue to stay home when I made the decision to stay at home 2 years ago. I didn't know that I would even want to. But how do I pass up taking Emma to school and picking her up at 2:45 on her first day to see the smile on her face and look at all the little pages she has done for the day? ... And how do I tell Madison she has to go spend 7:30-5:30 with someone else every day because mommy has to go be with other kids? I can't do it. I can't. I won't. I have always said teaching was not my first or my last job and I guess I am about to find out what else is out there. Maybe teaching will be my path again, maybe my path will be something I haven't even seen....all I know is for now....it is finished....and I am at peace.
To all my teacher friends....
May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
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