There are unwritten and unspoken things about having children. Things that if a people who do not have children learned before having kids themselves would maybe make them rethink having the beauties in the first place. Why are these things unspoken? 1. We who have children want others to be in misery with us so we don't tell them the REAL horrors. 2. You sign a waiver (in the hospital while drugged up) saying you will never, ever, under any real circumstance tell any childless couple what life is really like after you take home that precious little bundle of joy. OK...well maybe you don't sign a waiver but I do think there is an unwritten code that some things just aren't talked about. 3. We who have children want to laugh at people who don't have children when they actually do. Most people who don't have children have a preconceived notion that they can parent better than we can or that they would do things different. What normally happens is they turn out to be average parents just like us and do crazy things just like us and so then we get to laugh at all their "if I was a parent" theories. So what are the the things unspoken or things you have to sign a waiver to never ever tell a childless parent?
1. You will NEVER, EVER, EVER sleep a whole night the same way you did before you had your bundle of joy. The first 6-12 weeks are the most sleep deprived time but even after you think you should go back to peacefully sleeping through the night you don't. You get up to see if they are breathing. You hear every cough. You hear if they roll over. You hear if they go to the bathroom. You hear EVERYTHING. You also STILL have to get up. They get sick. They throw up. They have to go to the bathroom. They want to play with their dolls or cars at 3 in the morning. Sleeping is NEVER the same.....EVER....
2. The amount of poop one child can have on any given day is so massively unproportional to how big they actually are. It is ridiculous! You think they should have tiny little poops and that it should only happen 1-2 times a day. Nope. Some days I have wondered how on earth that much poop can come from such a small child. When the girls were babies they seemed to be poop factories....OK...and so they were poop factories....but I would absolutely be amazed at how much poop would come out of them at any given time...and just when I thought they were done....oh no...they would poop...AGAIN!!!
3. Throwing up. Not spit up...Throw up....on you, around you, in your mouth, in your hair, on your clothes, on your new leather sofa, on the carpet, in the bed, anywhere but in the toilet. It happens. It still happens and Big Girl and Little Lady are 5 and 3. Neither of them can seem to find a toilet when it needs to be done and the mom instinct is just to let them to puke on you. Yup.....pleasant....I know.
4. Vacations are for.......SLEEPING!!! Yes...you will just want to sleep! I know...you think you are going to want to do all the usual things when you go on vacation without the little beauties for the first time like drinking, having sex, partying it up, etc. Nope...After Big Girl was born we had our 4th anniversary. We decided to go up to Branson for one night. We dropped her off with Nana and away we went. I thought we would have a great time. We would eat out, get some rest, have sex which we haven't had since she was born because we were so tired (see #1 if you don't remember the lack of sleep part) and just really do some fun things. We got to Branson, checked in to the hotel and decided to nap....for 4, FOUR, 4 hours! We got up go eat, see the show we had bought tickets for, and then went to the hotel back and fell promptly to sleep....AGAIN! The next morning at 9:30 we wake up to remember that check out at this hotel is at 11. Oh yes we did have some fun in between the sleeping...but there was JUST SLEEPING happening.
5. Most parents will tell you that sex will become way over rated...because it NEVER happens. Being sleep deprived and smelling like poop or throw up or both at the same time is not the picture of attractive. If it does happen it is short, sweat, and hurried. Long gone will be the days of pretty night gowns and candles. Long gone are the days that the acts of lust could take forever and no one would care. In are the days of someone screaming at the door that some cartoon is over, their sister won't share, or that they need milk. In are also the days were you say "hurry...you have 5 minutes make them count....do you really think they are asleep?....etc." Yup...romantic don't you think?
6. Children are dirty and gross little creatures. They are always getting into things. They are always putting things in their little mouths that they shouldn't...like dog poop, rocks, coins, crayons, play do, etc. I don't think I have gone a day in over 5 years where I haven't been utterly disgusted by something one of my children has done. They are always showing me things I would rather not see, doing things I wish they wouldn't do, and putting things in places...well...we won't go there.
These are 6 of the more obvious things to list. I could write 94 more to round out to an even hundred but I can't. Remember...I signed an oath. But I will tell you this if you are still reading. I wouldn't change a thing. For all the sleep I have lost and for everything else that has happened, I wouldn't change a thing. I would actually go back if I could and do it all again. I long for the nights were I had 3 am feedings so I can hold Big Girl again and have her stare up at me with her big brown eyes or for mornings where I could escape for a few moments to have some quiet nursing time with Little Lady. They grow up so fast and as I look back over the last 5 years I laugh and cry. There really are crazy things that happen that no one tells you about....but I wouldn't change a thing.
